Loss and the Stages of Grief When Someone We Love Dies

By: Alexandra DeWoskin

People are innately afraid of loss.  But, loss is oh so common in our lives and can take many forms, some of which are more distressing than others. There are all kinds of loss big and small, positive and negative – loss of a relationship, loss to death, loss of a job or wealth, loss of health or mobility, loss of a pet, loss of safety, loss of a game, loss of trust, loss of expectations.  Even positive change involves loss.

Getting promoted or married are positive changes, that involve the element of loss of where we were previous. Once an attachment forms it can never be undone and all loss leaves scars.

Grief is the inevitable process we experience as the result of a loss. Mourning is the process by which we heal from loss/grief. It is the process by which the brain repairs itself and how we heal and recover to return back to a sense of normal living. There are no set rules for grief and it takes however long it takes. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s identified five stages of grief—Denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and acceptance.

These five stages are a simplification of the process as mourning is a far more complicated. It can be painful and messy and these stages may overlap or come in a different order. We may experience a myriad emotion, such as confusion, sadness, fear, guilt or hopelessness. And these feelings will vary in intensity as we go through the process.

And, if allowed to go through our process, we will ultimately end up on the other side, ready to resume our lives forever touched by what came before.

Recovering from grief and loss takes time but the best way to treat our psychological injuries is to consider our own pace and time frames, and confront and overcome them one by one. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone’s experience of grief is unique. There are some general guidelines, however, that will allow you to mend more quickly and completely:

• Remember that no matter how much pain you may feel, you will survive your loss.
• Emotional ups and downs are a normal part of any grieving process.
• In order to get past the difficult feelings, you must experience them.
• Don’t try to speed up or avoid the process. If you do, you will not heal properly. Your grieving will be incomplete and you could remain bound to the past.
• Care for yourself. Rest, eat well, and exercise even if you don’t feel up to it.
• Avoid other changes and don’t make big decisions unless you absolutely must.
• Ask those you love and trust for support. You don’t have to face this alone.
• Write about your loss. Journaling will bring your unexpressed emotions to the surface encouraging the grieving process to move along.
• Create your own ritual or ceremony that holds meaning to you. Most cultures have ceremonies to mark death. A ritual marking any loss helps us to acknowledge that the loss is real, honors the loss, and separates the past from the present.
• Remember there are actually gifts in loss. When a painful loss first occurs it is impossible to imagine that anything good could come from it. With time and perspective, however, you may be able to see something positive. You may have an increased respect for your own strength and resilience.  And you will better be able to empathize with others as a result of your own experience.

Below are practical steps for moving through the process of loss which is an inevitable part of everyday life. And understanding how to better cope with small losses prepares us to effectively grieve for major ones:

1. Overcoming Excruciating and Paralyzing Emotional Pain: At first, the pain is so severe we might be in shock and lose the ability to think straight or even to function in the most basic ways. The one thing that helps diminish the pain is time. Therefore, our challenge is to find ways to simply get through those first terrible hours, days, and weeks. Once the initial shock begins to fade and the new realities set in, we face our second challenge:
2. Adjusting to Changes in Our Daily Lives:Griefand loss can change almost every aspect of our daily routines. To recover we face the challenge of coming to terms with the changes forced upon us. Only then can we begin the process of finding new ways of living and being that can substitute for those we’ve lost.
3. Redefining Our Identities:Significant grief and loss can impact our very sense of how we define who we are, as if the person we once were is lost or a stranger. To recover we face the challenge of reexamining and redefining who we are, how we see ourselves, and how we want others to view us. We have to reconstruct our identities and come to peace with our new selves, our new lives, our new normal.
4. Connecting To Our Relationships:It is common for people to respond to profound loss by withdrawing into themselves or avoiding other people, as they may provide reminders of our loss. And sometimes, unfortunately, sickness and disability make others uncomfortable and make them withdraw from us. To recover we face the challenge of reconnecting to those who remain and forming new connections that reflect the new realities of our situation.
5. Adjusting Our Belief Systems:Trying to make sense of our experiences in life is a compelling human drive. We have a unique set of beliefs and assumptions that form the lens through which we view the world and our place in it. Loss and grief can challenge these basic assumptions and make us question everything we thought we knew. We’re flooded with doubts and questions, the most common of which is often—why?Our challenge is to find ways of making sense of what happened and adjusting our belief systems accordingly. And to thrive, we must find within ourselves a way to assign meaning to the events and discover a new purpose to drive our existence.

I recently lost my beloved dog and companion of 13 years unexpectedly.  The pain was unbearable and the disbelieve undeniable.  Initially, I was an emotional wreck with no assumption that I may feel differently in time.  I associated her with the past 13 years of my life and caring for her was so embedded into my every day.

I heard her footsteps and could swear I saw glimpses of her in the dark even though she was no longer with me.  It was an excruciating pain.   But, I allowed myself to go through the messy emotional part of grief. I talked to everyone who would listen about my fur baby.  I set up a small shrine. And, I reminded myself to always remember.  In time, I gave myself permission to stop crying every day and have a smile here and there. The pain still comes in waves, however, and that is ok.  I even gave myself permission to adopt another dog.  She’s not the same and it’s a new dynamic and relationship, but no less loving.  What I have learned is that our grief diminishes in time but we never forget.

Our lives are forever touched by our experiences and relationships.  They help to continuously form us.  And, all we learned and grow from them.   There is an emptiness that always remains, as the pain of loss can never completely heal.  But, by grieving our loss we can let it live on and be treasured as a loving memory where it belongs.