“I Can’t Stop Going to Steamworks”: When Does It Become a Problem?

Has Steamworks Become a Problem for You?

You’re scrolling through your phone at 2am. You told yourself you weren’t going tonight. You have work in the morning. You’re exhausted. But there’s that familiar pull—the restlessness, the anxiety, the voice saying “just one more time.”

Before you know it, you’re getting dressed, ordering an Uber to Steamworks, and the cycle continues.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And here’s what’s important to understand right from the start: There is nothing wrong with going to Steamworks, visiting bathhouses, or having casual sex.

As a therapist who’s worked with gay men in Chicago for over 20 years, I want to be crystal clear about this. Bathhouses, hookup apps, and casual sex are part of many gay men’s lives—and for many, these spaces provide pleasure, connection, community, and healthy sexual expression.

The question isn’t whether you go to Steamworks. The question is: How does it make you feel? Is it working for you? Do you feel in control?

Let’s talk about when sexual behavior crosses the line from healthy expression to something that might be causing you distress—and how therapy for gay men can help if you’re struggling.

Let’s Start Here: Bathhouses and Casual Sex Are Not the Problem

Chicago’s gay community has a long history with bathhouses. Steamworks, located in Boystown, is a known institution. For decades, bathhouses have provided safe spaces for gay men to explore sexuality, find community, and connect with others.

Casual sex, hookups, and bathhouse culture are not inherently problematic. Many gay men navigate these spaces in ways that are:

• Healthy and fulfilling
• Part of their sexual expression
• Aligned with their values
• Enjoyable without negative consequences
• Integrated into balanced lives

If you go to Steamworks occasionally, enjoy yourself, and it fits into your life without causing distress—that’s completely fine. Having a healthy relationship with cruising is OK. You don’t need therapy for having an active sex life or enjoying casual encounters.

So when does it become a problem?

Here’s When to Know It Might Be a Problem

The issue isn’t about how often you go or what you’re doing—it’s about why you’re going and how it’s affecting you.

Signs That Sexual Behavior May Have Become Compulsive:

1. You Go Even When You Don’t Want To

• You tell yourself you’re not going tonight, but you go anyway
• You feel pulled to go despite being exhausted, busy, or having other commitments
• It feels like an urge you can’t resist, even when you try
• You’ve made promises to yourself to stop or cut back, but can’t follow through

The key: Choice vs. compulsion. Do you feel like you’re making an active choice, or does it feel like the behavior is controlling you?

2. You Feel Shame, Regret, or Distress Afterward

• You consistently feel bad about yourself after going
• You experience a shame spiral: relief during, regret immediately after
• You hide it from friends, partners, or therapists out of embarrassment
• You promise yourself “never again” but repeat the pattern
• The temporary pleasure is followed by lasting emotional pain

Important distinction: Feeling good afterward = healthy. Consistently feeling worse afterward = worth exploring.

3. It’s Interfering With Other Parts of Your Life

• You’re losing sleep because you’re out late or can’t stop thinking about going
• Work performance is suffering (calling in sick, distracted, exhausted)
• You’re canceling plans with friends to go instead
• Financial impact: spending money you don’t have
• Relationship problems: hiding it from a partner, affecting intimacy
• Health concerns: unsafe practices, physical exhaustion

The question: Is this enhancing your life or getting in the way of things you care about?

4. You’re Using It to Manage Difficult Emotions

• You go when you’re anxious, lonely, sad, or stressed
• It’s your primary coping mechanism for uncomfortable feelings
• You notice a pattern: bad day at work → Steamworks
• You’re using sex/novelty to numb out or avoid something
• The relief is temporary, and the underlying feelings return (often stronger)

What this means: If bathhouses or hookups have become your main tool for managing emotions, it might be time to develop additional coping strategies.

5. You’re Seeking Validation Rather Than Pleasure

• It’s less about sexual pleasure and more about feeling wanted
• You’re measuring your worth by how much attention you get
• You feel a compulsive need to be desired, chosen, validated
• Your self-esteem depends on external metrics (matches, attention, being pursued)
• The validation feels good in the moment but doesn’t last

What’s happening: You’re outsourcing your sense of worth. That’s exhausting and unsustainable.

6. It’s Replacing Real Connection

• You crave intimacy but only feel safe pursuing anonymous encounters
• You want a relationship but avoid emotional vulnerability
• Sex is easier than risking rejection in dating
• You’re using bathhouses/apps to feel less lonely, but you still feel lonely
• You’ve noticed you’re avoiding deeper connections

The reality: Anonymous sex can feel like connection—but if it’s the only form of connection in your life, you might be using it to avoid the scarier work of real intimacy.

7. You’ve Tried to Stop and Can’t

• You’ve told yourself you’ll take a break, but can’t
• You’ve deleted Grindr/Scruff only to redownload it days later
• You feel out of control
• You’ve tried to “white-knuckle” it but the urges always win
• You’re frustrated with yourself for not being able to change the pattern

What this suggests: Willpower alone isn’t enough. There’s something underneath the behavior that needs attention.

8. You’re Keeping It Secret Out of Shame

• You can’t talk to friends about it
• You’ve never mentioned it in therapy (if you’re in therapy)
• You feel like you’re living a double life
• You’re terrified someone will find out
• The secrecy itself is causing distress

Why this matters: Shame thrives in secrecy. If you can’t talk about it, you can’t change it.

What’s Really Going On? Understanding the Function

When sexual behavior becomes compulsive, it’s usually serving a function beyond pleasure. It’s meeting a need—just not in a sustainable way.

Common Underlying Drivers:

Anxiety Regulation

Your body learns that sex/novelty provides temporary relief from anxiety. The dopamine hit feels like a reset button. But anxiety returns, often stronger, creating a cycle.

Loneliness and Connection Hunger

Bathhouses and hookups offer a form of human connection—skin-to-skin contact, being seen, being wanted. For gay men who struggle with intimacy or feel isolated, this can feel like the only available form of connection.

Validation and Self-Worth

If your self-esteem is shaky, external validation (being desired, pursued, chosen) feels necessary. But it’s never enough, so you keep seeking more.

Avoidance

Sexual behavior can be a way to avoid difficult feelings, unfinished tasks, or scary life decisions. It provides temporary escape but doesn’t solve the underlying issue.

Attachment Wounds

If you learned early in life that emotional needs are dangerous or won’t be met, you might seek physical connection while avoiding emotional vulnerability. Bathhouses offer intimacy without the risk of rejection.

The Shame Cycle: How It Perpetuates

Here’s what often happens:

1. Feel anxious, lonely, restless
2. Go to Steamworks/hookup
3. Temporary relief (dopamine, validation, connection)
4. Shame and regret afterward
5. Feel worse about yourself
6. Increased anxiety and shame
7. Repeat the cycle to manage those feelings

Shame is the fuel that keeps the cycle going. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you seek validation. The more you seek validation through sex, the more shame you feel. And around it goes.

This is why willpower alone doesn’t work. You’re not dealing with a lack of self-control—you’re dealing with unmet emotional needs and a nervous system that’s learned this is how to cope.

Gay Male Context: Why This Is Specific to Our Community

Let’s acknowledge something important: gay men navigate sexual culture differently than straight culture. And that’s not a bad thing—it’s just different.

Factors specific to gay male sexuality:

• Bathhouse culture has been part of gay community history for decades
• Hookup apps (Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies) are normalized and easily accessible
• Casual sex is less stigmatized in gay culture (which is healthy!)
• Body image pressures in the gay community can drive validation-seeking
• Minority stress: Being gay in a heteronormative world creates chronic stress that needs outlets
• Intimacy challenges: Many gay men struggle with emotional vulnerability due to past rejection or trauma

Here’s what matters: There’s nothing wrong with any of this. Gay sexual culture is diverse, vibrant, and valid. The question is whether YOUR relationship with these spaces is working for YOU.

You’re not broken for being a sexual gay man. You might just be using sex to cope with things that need a different approach.

How Therapy for Gay Men Can Help

If you’re reading this and thinking “this sounds like me,” here’s what therapy for gay men can actually do:

We Don’t Tell You to Stop

Therapy isn’t about shaming you or forcing you to become celibate. It’s about understanding what’s driving the behavior and helping you feel in control again.

What therapy is NOT:

• ❌ Telling you bathhouses are bad
• ❌ Pathologizing gay sexuality
• ❌ Forcing you into a “sex addict” label
• ❌ Making you give up casual sex
• ❌ Judging your choices

What therapy IS:

• ✅ Understanding why you feel compelled to go
• ✅ Addressing underlying anxiety, loneliness, or validation needs
• ✅ Building alternative coping strategies
• ✅ Helping you make conscious choices (not compulsive ones)
• ✅ Supporting YOUR goals for your life

We Help You Understand the Function

Together, we explore:

• What need is this meeting?
• What are you avoiding?
• What feeling comes right before the urge?
• What would happen if you didn’t go?

Once you understand the function, you can address the root cause instead of just fighting the symptom.

We Address What’s Underneath

Common issues we work on:

Anxiety Management:

Learning to regulate anxiety without relying on sexual behavior. Building a toolkit of coping strategies that actually work long-term.

Building Self-Worth:

Developing internal validation instead of depending on external metrics. Learning that your worth isn’t determined by how many people want you.

Intimacy Skills:

If you’re avoiding emotional connection, we work on what makes vulnerability scary and how to build real intimacy (if that’s what you want).

Attachment Healing:

Understanding how early relationships shaped your patterns and creating new, healthier ways of connecting.

Shame Reduction:

Breaking the shame cycle by creating a judgment-free space where you can talk openly about your behavior without fear.

We Help You Regain Choice

The goal isn’t to never go to Steamworks again (unless that’s YOUR goal). The goal is to feel like YOU’RE in the driver’s seat.

What this looks like:

• Going because you want to, not because you have to
• Being able to choose NOT to go when it doesn’t serve you
• Enjoying it without shame afterward
• Having other ways to meet your emotional needs
• Feeling in control of your choices

What to Expect in Therapy

First session:

• We talk. That’s it.
• You share what’s been going on
• No judgment, no shame
• You control what we discuss
• Completely confidential

Ongoing work:

• Understanding patterns and triggers
• Building new coping strategies
• Processing underlying emotions
• Practicing self-compassion
• Working at YOUR pace toward YOUR goals

Our approach:

• Several of our therapists openly identify as gay
• We understand Steamworks, Grindr, bathhouse culture, Boystown
• We don’t need you to explain the context—we get it
• We use evidence-based approaches (CBT, IFS, attachment work)
• We meet you where you are

You’re Not Alone

Many gay men struggle with this exact pattern. The restlessness. The pull. The shame. The feeling of being out of control.

This is common. And it’s not because you’re broken or weak or “addicted.” It’s because you’re using the tools you have to manage difficult emotions—and those tools aren’t quite working anymore.

The good news? There are better tools. Therapy can help you build them.

When to Reach Out

Consider therapy if:

• You’re reading this and thinking “this is me”
• The behavior is causing you distress
• You’ve tried to change it on your own and can’t
• It’s interfering with your life in ways you don’t like
• You want to understand what’s driving it
• You’re ready to feel in control again

You don’t have to wait until it’s a crisis. Early intervention is always easier than waiting until things fall apart.

Taking the First Step

Picking up the phone and calling a therapist can feel scary—especially when you’re talking about something you’ve kept secret out of shame.

Here’s what helps:

• You don’t have to explain everything on the phone
• Just say you’re interested in gay men’s therapy
• Mention you read this article (we’ll know what you mean)
• First session is just conversation—no pressure

Call: 773-528-1777
Office location: Lakeview (near Boystown)
Evening and weekend appointments available
BCBS PPO Insurance accepted

Final Thoughts

There is nothing wrong with going to Steamworks. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex, using hookup apps, or enjoying bathhouse culture. Gay sexuality is healthy, diverse, and valid.

But if the behavior has started to feel compulsive—if you’re going even when you don’t want to, if shame follows you home, if it’s replacing real connection, if it’s interfering with your life—then it might be time to explore what’s underneath.

You’re not broken. You’re not a “sex addict.” You’re a gay man using the coping strategies you have to manage anxiety, loneliness, or pain. And therapy can help you build better strategies—ones that actually work for you.

You deserve to feel in control of your choices. You deserve to address the anxiety or loneliness that’s driving the behavior. And you deserve a therapist who gets it—who understands gay male culture in Chicago, who won’t judge you, and who can help you build the life you actually want.

Let’s talk.

Learn more about our gay men’s therapy services or call 773-528-1777 to schedule a confidential consultation.

Disclaimer: This post is made for informational and educational purposes only. It is not medical advice. The information posted is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you.