Alcoholism and Family Roles: A Closer Look
As an addictions counselor here in Chicago, I’ve worked with countless families navigating the challenges of alcoholism and addiction. One of the most important concepts I share with clients is understanding family roles in alcoholic households. These roles aren’t consciously chosen—they develop organically as family members attempt to cope with the chaos and unpredictability of living with addiction.
Recognizing these patterns is often the first step toward healing. Let me walk you through the six most common roles I see in my practice.
1. The Enabler (The Caretaker)
The Enabler, often a spouse or parent, works tirelessly to keep the family functioning and to protect the person struggling with alcohol use disorder from experiencing consequences. They make excuses for missed work, cover unpaid bills, and clean up the messes—both literal and figurative.
While their intentions come from love and a desire to help, enablers inadvertently prevent their loved one from hitting the rock bottom that might motivate change. In my Chicago practice, I often see enablers who are completely exhausted, having sacrificed their own wellbeing in an attempt to control the uncontrollable.
Signs you might be an enabler:
- You regularly call in sick to work for your partner
- You make excuses to friends and family about their behavior
- You avoid confrontation to “keep the peace”
- You feel responsible for their drinking
2. The Hero (The Overachiever)
The Hero child takes on responsibility far beyond their years. They excel academically, athletically, or professionally, believing that if they’re “good enough,” they can somehow fix the family’s problems or make up for the chaos at home.
I see many Hero children in Chicago’s competitive academic environment who push themselves relentlessly. On the surface, they appear successful and well-adjusted. Underneath, they’re often anxious, perfectionistic, and terrified of failure. They’ve learned that their worth comes from achievement rather than simply being loved for who they are.
The long-term impact:
- Difficulty relaxing or having fun
- Chronic anxiety and fear of failure
- Tendency to become workaholics
- Struggles with intimate relationships
3. The Scapegoat (The Problem Child)
While the Hero draws positive attention, the Scapegoat attracts negative attention. This family member—often a teenager or young adult—acts out through substance use, legal troubles, truancy, or rebellious behavior. They become the family’s identified problem, which paradoxically serves a function: everyone can focus on the Scapegoat’s issues rather than addressing the elephant in the room.
In my counseling sessions, I’ve found that Scapegoats are often expressing the family’s unspoken pain and anger. They’re not “bad kids”—they’re hurt kids who haven’t learned healthy ways to communicate their distress.
Common behaviors:
- Substance abuse or risky behavior
- Academic or legal problems
- Defiance and anger
- Frequent conflict with family members
4. The Lost Child (The Invisible One)
The Lost Child copes by disappearing. They’re quiet, withdrawn, and require little attention or resources. In chaotic alcoholic homes, they’re often overlooked—and that’s exactly how they protect themselves.
These children become experts at flying under the radar. They spend hours in their rooms, immerse themselves in solitary activities, and learn to be invisible. As adults, they often struggle with decision-making, assertiveness, and forming close relationships. Here in Chicago, I work with many adult Lost Children who describe feeling like they’re “going through the motions” of life without really living it.
Long-term challenges:
- Difficulty forming close relationships
- Struggles with identity and decision-making
- Tendency toward isolation and loneliness
- Feelings of not mattering or being unimportant
5. The Mascot (The Clown)
The Mascot uses humor and diversion to cope with family tension. When arguments erupt or tension builds, the Mascot cracks jokes, acts silly, or creates distractions. While this can temporarily relieve tension, it prevents the family from addressing serious issues.
Mascots often become the family entertainer, learning early that their value lies in making others feel better. As adults, they may struggle to be taken seriously or to address their own emotional needs. Many of the Mascots I counsel in Chicago describe feeling like they’re wearing a mask—always “on” for others while privately struggling with anxiety and depression.
Characteristics include:
- Using humor to deflect serious conversations
- Difficulty being vulnerable or serious
- Anxiety masked by joviality
- Feeling dismissed or not taken seriously
6. The Addict (The Identified Patient)
The person struggling with alcohol use disorder occupies a central role in the family system, though paradoxically, their needs often go unaddressed. The family organizes itself around their drinking—managing crises, covering consequences, and walking on eggshells to avoid triggering episodes.
What many families don’t realize is that alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failing. The person drinking is often in tremendous pain, using alcohol to cope with trauma, mental health issues, or unbearable emotions. Recovery requires professional help, and in Chicago, we’re fortunate to have excellent resources for treatment.
Breaking Free from These Roles
The good news is that these roles aren’t permanent. Through therapy and family intervention, people can develop healthier patterns. Here’s what healing often looks like:
For the family:
- Learning about addiction as a disease
- Setting healthy boundaries
- Attending support groups like Al-Anon
- Engaging in family therapy
- Focusing on their own recovery, not controlling the addict
For the person with alcohol use disorder:
- Acknowledging the problem
- Seeking professional treatment
- Attending support groups like AA
- Addressing underlying trauma or mental health issues
- Building a sober support network
Moving Forward
If you recognized yourself or your family members in these descriptions, please know that you’re not alone. These patterns are incredibly common in families affected by alcoholism, and they’re not your fault. They developed as survival mechanisms in an impossible situation.
The path forward begins with awareness and professional support. Whether you’re the family member of someone struggling with alcohol use disorder or you’re the person drinking, help is available. Chicago has a strong recovery community with numerous resources for treatment and support.
Recovery is possible—for the person with alcohol use disorder and for every family member affected by it. Each person’s journey is unique, but it often starts with the courage to acknowledge these patterns and reach out for help.
If you or a family member is struggling with alcoholism, please reach out for support. At 2nd Story Counseling in Chicago, we specialize in addiction counseling and family therapy. Contact us to learn more about how we can help your family heal.
